Monday, January 28, 2008

To Go or Not to Go

My husband (I'll name him Henry) and I had a difficult 'communication' time this past weekend. We're better now that we had a talk and understand where some miscommunication happened. I want to say that he probably needs some time alone and so I was going to take the 3 kids to visit family about 3 hours away in a couple of weekends. I think I just try to figure him out and then try to figure out what he needs, then I try to fix it. Things like, I try to farm out the kids if I can when I have a night out, or I try to set him up with time with friends, etc. Maybe he doesn't really want me to be doing these things. He can be difficult to read because he's so laid back. But after these years of 3 fragile x kids, you tend to change a bit. Not necessarily for better or worse....just change. You almost have to just to survive.

I don't do a very good job at remembering that men and women deal with things differently. What I might need is not what he might need. I should just stop my 'mothering' on him and let him decide what he needs and let him do it. I just get sad when I see him down or 'not quite right'. So, being a woman, I want to make it better. Problem is, I don't always make it better.

We have a hard time sometimes relaying our feelings to each other because a lot of the time we don't even understand what we're feeling ourselves. Is it tired? Is is stress? Is it sadness? Is it frustration? On and on and on. The only way we know how to answer is 'YES' to all of the above.

We have a GREAT support system. While we are very grateful and realize after talking to others with fragile x families that we are very blessed, it's sometimes hard to call on them without feeling like we've been beat. Most of the time we can get past this, but I hate feeling like I can't handle life without so many 'breaks' in between. I know, I know, I should just be grateful and take the opportunities. We are and we do, but it can get hard to. Sometimes when I tell my little girl (I'll name her Grace) that someone is coming over, she'll say, "Mama stay here?" I hate that she thinks I'm going to leave everyime someone comes over. Overall, she handles it well and doesn't seem so afraid when we leave (we talk a lot about "mama always comes back cuz mama loves her babies"). But still.....

I'm also about to start my period. I tend to think and analyze more than I should doing these times. :)

Happier notes next time.

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