This was supposed to be posted yesterday, May 12, but when I finally got to sit down at the computer, Blogger was down. So, here it is now.
Yesterday was May 12, which means yesterday was 6 years since our first diagnosis. I was trying to figure out how I felt all day, but I think my emotions escaped me. Overall, I did well. Time does do a certain amount of healing. One thing that tipped me over the edge was a potty incident that happened to Ian at school. The mere fact that Ian won't be at the same school, with Daddy to be there to help out, just drives me insane. I hate all the thoughts I let roll around in my mind. Maybe for once, I should think about all the good "what-ifs". Like, what if he does really well at the new school. What a concept.
Okay, so back to emotions. As I was jogging last night I pondered it all in my head. I began to think about Christ, because I KNOW without a doubt, He has a plan (unbeknownst to me of course) for all that happens, including rotten Fragile X. My kids may have Fragile X, but they're still my kids...wonderful, happy, adorable children. Then I began to think about the Bible verses tell us that we have not suffered anything that Jesus himself did not (He actually endured worse, in my opinion. I wanted to apply that to our situation. Jesus may not have suffered with Fragile X itself, but He did suffer loss. There's a huge sense of loss with the news of a diagnosis...whether it's Fragile X, Downs Syndrome, Autism, Emotional Disorder...whatever. Jesus DID suffer loss. He suffered loss through the death of His friends while on earth. He suffered loss through betrayal. Most of all He suffered loss by time separated from His Father while on the cross. This biggest loss He endured to the end, as is evidenced by His words, "...into Your hands I commit my spirit." He knew that ultimately His spirit belonged to His Father, and He knew the joy coming. And I know that ultimately, my kids belong to Him as well. He has most graciously 'loaned' them to Jim and me. He trusted us to take care of them and to 'train them in the way they should go'.
I cannot answer those who ask the why's of God. I've asked my own. I do believe I will have them answered in heaven...and am thankful that He, the Lord Jesus Christ, found me, loved me, and calls me His own. I could not make it through Fragile X without Him. For those who know Him as your Lord and your Savior and your Friend, don't ever let Him go! For those who say that He is responsible for all your woes in life, I am truly sad you feel that way and hope that your eyes too will one day be open to what it REALLY means to have Him as your Savior. It's a lot to take in, but well worth it. It's the only thing that makes this journey bearable for me.
So, my final thoughts....does any of this make it easier to live life? Does it make having Fragile X (or anything else) great? Absolutely not. But it does lead me through each day. And it reminds me to find the joy in all things....the kids' smiles, the "I love you's", each accomplishment, etc. Because Christ was willing and able to endure all He did, it makes me want to do my best to 'endure' to honor all He did for me.
Okay, thanks for sharing this day (a day late) with me. I still remember it like it was yesterday, and I will remember the other 2 as they come along too. It's good to have friends and bloggers to share it with!