Friday, October 2, 2009

Can I Start Today Over?


ARG! I was supposed to be blogging on how happy I am because today is our 10 year anniversary. But nooooo, yuck had to get in the way. Instead I am super emotional (not even on my period). Jim and I got into a conversation about the schools and children, particularly the 'not typical' children. I really tried to keep my cool, but I blew it. So, you guys get to read it....remember, all raw unprocessed emotions.

So, I try to explain and bear my heart about how I feel about things like Ian getting pulled out of his class and put into a different class, about not really knowing what's going on this year, blah, blah, blah. I'm not doggin' the school. They have been very kind to us, and I feel very confident and fortunate, overall, about the care and attention Ian gets there. BUT, I also have a lot of fear. And when it hits, it hits. When I try to explain how I'm feeling to Jim, mostly I get how I need to understand how strapped the school is when it comes to our type of kids. No real programs for them, parents sueing, not enough funds for aides, etc. Well, that's all find and dandy, but what I really want to hear is, "Honey I know this is hard for you, I'm with you, and we'll do all we can for our children. Hang in there. " You know, something encouraging for ME (yep, all about me at this point). I just feel like he doesn't hear my heart. Like all his concern lies with the school. I DO know how difficult it is. I was a classroom teacher and I did have SN in my class. If anything, how would HE know! He does resource in-class support and pull-outs. He doesn't even have his own classroom full of kids all day.

So, I accused him of 'siding' with the teachers/principal and told him I would appreciate support for me because I'm sure not going to get it from anyone else. He's supposed to be there for me and the children. I'm not asking him to go out and start demanding things. I don't work that way. I'm asking him to say what I need to hear when my heart is scared and hurting. The only thing I could compare it to to help him understand (cause he still says things that lead me to believe he's not TRULY understanding what I'm trying to tell him) is a family situation. I asked him, "Okay, so what if everytime you struggled with the family member and felt beaten down, I decided to take their side and tell you that you need to understand what they're going through (which in this case would be a ridiculous statement). Would that make you feel like I was YOUR cheerleader and that I truly understood your heart? NO!"

I know he doesn't really know what to do with me when I get like this. So, I've pretty much vowed to keep it a blog thing and stop trying to get him to understand. This is just one of those times I feel completely alone. Like I'm the only one pushing to help Ian (which is not true). I just see sooooo much potential and I don't feel like he sees the same potential. Is that the hardness of the teacher these days?

I'm finding it hard to stop crying this morning. I hate to say things like, "This is my life, I have to deal with it." It is my life, but I fully expect to enjoy it and thank God for it. I was never promised an easy life and I'm okay with that. But sometimes I have a really hard time 'doing' the hard life. And I don't even have it as bad as some people I know. But I try not to compare lives. That's not what God intends for me to do. He wants me to do the life He's given me.

Okay, I think I'm done. I'm going to go spend some time with the One who really knows the details of my heart. I'm glad we're all walking this together. You help me not feel so alone. Once things process and I get to talk to Jim again (I've already emailed him to tell him I love him and I'm sorry), I'm sure I'll be put back together.
By the way, did I mention today is our 10 year anniversary!?


Jen said...

Wow, I get it, I really do! John is on a completely different emotional path when it comes to the boys....I like to call it "non-emotional." He just seems to be able to take things in stride.
We also had a similar situation with Evan starting felt like he was taking "their side." It was so frustrating!

Ummm, Happy Anniversary!

Umma said...

Happy Anniversary!

My husband and I have issues with this sort of thing (not about school though, we are both firmly on the same side against the evil empire, ahem.) We'll get in these endless loops with me getting more and more frustrated because he's either not hearing me or he isn't supporting me! Which is it, Mister? Sorry...can you tell we have this same issue a lot? :-)

One in five times I'll remember to tell him, before I start getting frustrated...which, depending on the day, can happen at the speed of light...that I don't want him to "fix" anything. I don't want him to do anything but hear me and be supportive. It works! But, like I said, I have to remember to tell him or he won't realize we're having one of those conversations until my eyes are bulging out of my head.

Kathie said...

Donna, I know this is hard for you, I'm with you, and I'll do all I can for your children. Hang in there.
Hope that made you smile. :)
Seriously, have you ever read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"? It deals with specifically this type of situation. Men are "doers" and "fixers", women are "talkers" and "listeners".
I imagine Jim is as frustrated as you, but not seeing another way out of an impossible situation, he sides with the status quo.
This is definitely something you could address in your ArlingtonAnswers sessions.

...mmm... said...

Well, I must wonder how did your anniversary go in the end after all that?

I like how real this post is, warts and all as long as your hubs is OK with it too.

It soudns to me like the classical disparity and differences between men and women. Generally, women feel heard when they are empathized with wheres men try to fix whatever problem is before them or rationalize it if unable to. Problem is that can come across as uncaring when infact it can come from love jsut as much but info is processed differently.

for my wife and i it was often the opposite way around on most things as far as typical gender responses, so I can relate some.

We might have faith as I see you have too but it's a short sell to ever suggest that if one jsut has enough all these thigns will work out. Well, sometimes they don;t regardless of how much effort and prayer is put into something.

To your comment on my post: My son is 15 so he is stronger to deal with the swine flu than say if your kids are pre-teen or single digits. I don;t know about that. He got rather blueish/greyish in his face and lacked energy. Also the main thing was he got very congested/chesty. He also totally lacked energy-that was most noticeable thing I think.

About 25% of highschoolers here got it and all were fine but he did miss a whole week of school.

Hope this helps. Take care.

r_is_moody said...

Sorry you had a crappy day.

I have no wonderful words of wisdom for you. God made men and women different and I think sometimes it makes him smile!!!

Love and miss ya