Well, today, May 12, is the 4 year anniversary of our first diagnosis. Am I the only one who remembers their date? I don't mean to over-dramatize, but for me it was a date as much to remember as my miscarriage. Many of the same feelings and emotions. So, for my entry today I want to walk down a memory lane that took me closer to the Lord and showed me His great love for me and showed me that He really does care in the tough times. He cared so much, He gave me these great memories that culminate into His perfect and obvious orchestration of my precious Ian.
After Ian was born, but before his diagnosis, I was watching a Praise Baby video with him. As the music was going and the kids on the video were playing, there came a part with this boy in a wheelchair that had obvious special needs. It was the first time I had seen that part in the video, and I'll never forget the emotions that ran through me. I believe it was then that the Lord told me about Ian. (not audibly, but in my heart) Here's the part that took a while to figure out it was Ian. Ian had been born, but we had not yet had the diagnosis. I was pregnant with Avery as I watched the video. So, of course, I was convinced that it was Avery He was telling me about. It didn't take me long after our diagnosis for the video to hit my mind. It all clicked at that moment. The Lord was telling me about the specialness of Ian.
Ian is also the only child that I believe God gave us his name. Ian was never a name I would even have thought of. We had planned on naming him Brennan. I won't go into the long story of how I believe it was to be his name, but I remember it all happened as I was driving home. So, I immediately called Jim and asked him to look up the spiritual meaning in our name book. His name means "God is Gracious". I didn't argue. Jim and I both knew that was to be his name.
One more thing. I had chosen for my life verse(s) Jeremiah 29:11-13 early on in my Christian walk. At one point when I was so distraught and brokenhearted about the diagnosis, this part of the scripture reminded me that I'm not alone. "...plans to give you hope and a future." This wonderfully reminded me that as I seek Him and pray to Him, MY SON HAS A HOPE AND A FUTURE. It was then I realized that this part of scripture was not meant only for me to have as my life verse, but it was meant for me to have to turn to in that particular part of my life (and still today). God chose it for me to have it inbedded in my heart for just the right time.
Oops, I thought of something else. Again, I will shorten this story. My dad and I had never had what you'd call a great father/daughter relationship. It was just kinda 'there'. After Ian's diagnosis, something happened. See, my mom and dad had a son die at the age of 5. That son had Downs Syndrome. This was a place in our hearts where we could totally connect. It was not until we were talking about Ian one day that my dad opened up about things about my brother. He had NEVER talked about it to me before. Anyway, our relationship is so much different than it used to be. It's more like how its supposed to be.
So, I am one who believes that ALL things happen for a reason (even if I never know that reason this side of Heaven). And I believe that it's my role to bring all the glory to God that I can in all my circumstances. I fail miserably many times. But I do believe that Jim and I live out our life with our 3 Fragile X children well. (Again, not always, but overall) I want others to see a life of hope in me, not a life of pity. Afterall, Christ is all about hope.