Bitter Sweet Field Trip

Well, I went to Ian's first field trip of the year. Ian had a great time. Mom had a difficult time. I was in tears before we left and almost left early. I felt like an idiot having the teachers try to console me. Will I ever get past all this? Okay, here's what happened.

First, it's so hard on my heart when I see the kids have difficulty with Ian. They tell the teacher every time he even touches them (and I caught one that told when Ian never even touched him). And when Ian gets a little (okay, a lot) loud, I can see some annoyance in their faces. Okay, now let me give the real story. I am WAY hyper-sensitive to all of it. Truth is, the kids weren't really that bad. But to me, that's what I see.

Second, I felt it was best if Ian didn't ride this wagon pulling tractor thing. No adults could go on it, and if Ian had an inkling to stand up, he could have easily fallen out of the moving vehicle. The risk wasn't worth it to me. Did Ian care? NO! He happily waved bye to the other kids. Me, however.....I hated it. I hated that I even had to think about any risks. I teared up a bit at this point, but managed to suck it up because they were going on a hayride right after (adults allowed).

Third, while the kids were on this ride, we thought Ian had a poopy. Due to a miscommunication, the school did not bring the pull-ups I packed in his backpack (the same backpack his sack lunch was packed in). Luckily, I had one in the van. The walk to the van was a nightmare. I couldn't get Ian to understand that he wasn't leaving, but we had to change him. He screamed, he got angry, and he plopped himself down several times. We get to the van, I took his pull-up off....it wasn't even dirty!!!! He must have just had gas. Now this meant: 1) no more pull-ups left cause I had to put the extra one on him after I ripped off the one he had on; 2) I put him through all that for no reason. I felt horrible. Now in hindsight, he was probably trying to tell me he wasn't dirty.

Fourth, because of that whole episode, Ian missed the actual hayride! Again, he didn't care. I don't think he even knew. But I did. So, as we stood there waiting for them to return, I choked back my tears and decided it was probably best for me to leave (I met the school bus there). When I tried to tell his teacher and the aides......the river flooded. I couldn't open my mouth without crying. I'm sure they thought I was a crazed parent. I told them Ian was doing great, but that my heart just couldn't handle it. They were so sweet, and I see the concern on their faces. Long story short, they talked me into staying. I'm glad I did. Ian really did do a great job and had great fun, and the other kids really did do great with him.

I just want to feel like a normal parent sometimes, instead of always worrying or getting upset over the 'missed' things, especially when it never seems to upset him. Argh!

Can I Start Today Over?

GRUMPY!!!!

ARG! I was supposed to be blogging on how happy I am because today is our 10 year anniversary. But nooooo, yuck had to get in the way. Instead I am super emotional (not even on my period). Jim and I got into a conversation about the schools and children, particularly the 'not typical' children. I really tried to keep my cool, but I blew it. So, you guys get to read it....remember, all raw unprocessed emotions.

So, I try to explain and bear my heart about how I feel about things like Ian getting pulled out of his class and put into a different class, about not really knowing what's going on this year, blah, blah, blah. I'm not doggin' the school. They have been very kind to us, and I feel very confident and fortunate, overall, about the care and attention Ian gets there. BUT, I also have a lot of fear. And when it hits, it hits. When I try to explain how I'm feeling to Jim, mostly I get how I need to understand how strapped the school is when it comes to our type of kids. No real programs for them, parents sueing, not enough funds for aides, etc. Well, that's all find and dandy, but what I really want to hear is, "Honey I know this is hard for you, I'm with you, and we'll do all we can for our children. Hang in there. " You know, something encouraging for ME (yep, all about me at this point). I just feel like he doesn't hear my heart. Like all his concern lies with the school. I DO know how difficult it is. I was a classroom teacher and I did have SN in my class. If anything, how would HE know! He does resource in-class support and pull-outs. He doesn't even have his own classroom full of kids all day.

So, I accused him of 'siding' with the teachers/principal and told him I would appreciate support for me because I'm sure not going to get it from anyone else. He's supposed to be there for me and the children. I'm not asking him to go out and start demanding things. I don't work that way. I'm asking him to say what I need to hear when my heart is scared and hurting. The only thing I could compare it to to help him understand (cause he still says things that lead me to believe he's not TRULY understanding what I'm trying to tell him) is a family situation. I asked him, "Okay, so what if everytime you struggled with the family member and felt beaten down, I decided to take their side and tell you that you need to understand what they're going through (which in this case would be a ridiculous statement). Would that make you feel like I was YOUR cheerleader and that I truly understood your heart? NO!"

I know he doesn't really know what to do with me when I get like this. So, I've pretty much vowed to keep it a blog thing and stop trying to get him to understand. This is just one of those times I feel completely alone. Like I'm the only one pushing to help Ian (which is not true). I just see sooooo much potential and I don't feel like he sees the same potential. Is that the hardness of the teacher these days?

I'm finding it hard to stop crying this morning. I hate to say things like, "This is my life, I have to deal with it." It is my life, but I fully expect to enjoy it and thank God for it. I was never promised an easy life and I'm okay with that. But sometimes I have a really hard time 'doing' the hard life. And I don't even have it as bad as some people I know. But I try not to compare lives. That's not what God intends for me to do. He wants me to do the life He's given me.

Okay, I think I'm done. I'm going to go spend some time with the One who really knows the details of my heart. I'm glad we're all walking this together. You help me not feel so alone. Once things process and I get to talk to Jim again (I've already emailed him to tell him I love him and I'm sorry), I'm sure I'll be put back together.

By the way, did I mention today is our 10 year anniversary!?

I Am Still Alive....I Think

It's been so long since I've been on blog land. I'm looking forward to catching up on reading everyone's entries that I'm so behind on. I think I just got in such a funk cause everything seemed to be so negative, I didn't want all my entries to be so pessimistic. Quick, quick update:

So much for dying without making a turkey. We had Jim's family come to our house....don't ask how that happened. That made 10 adults and 4 children. Okay, truth be told....Jim made the turkey. We had a really good time, and I was so glad we had it at our house. It gave Grandma and Papa a break this year. Plus, even though I kept telling everyone that Jim cooked, I cleaned, I still got all the credit for the meal. I finally gave in and just said, "Thank you." How great is that!

Trip to Oklahoma City to be with my family was much different. Everything has been much different since my dad's stroke. I am very thankful that he is alive, walking, talking. However, I want my pre-stroke dad back, and my mom wants her pre-stroke husband back. It's been very difficult for my family. I think I feel like I get to 'run away' from it by being here. But going back home shows me how real it really is. I felt like I either cried or was griping at Jim for some reason the whole weekend. It definitely forces me to concentrate on what the meaning of Thanksgiving is and to remember all the blessings the Lord has poured down. Blessings are great, but I also have to remember that we were never promised an easy life of roses. It's what I do with all the hard times that determine how thankful I am for Jesus. After all, He didn't exactly have a rosy life when He walked the earth. Next....

Benjamin is officially a toddler!!!! A clumsy one, but oh well. While he's still quite weak and can't walk for enormous amounts at a time, he way prefers to walk on his two feet than to crawl. I had forgotten how adorable they look.

Avery is pretty much officially potty trained. The only thing we haven't tackled is nighttime. The latest joy is that she has finally started to poop more on the big potty than on the little one. Cleaning that thing out gets pretty gross after a while. I'm so proud of her.

Ian is still a day by day. We've been struggling a lot more with his behavior. Jim is ready to go for stronger meds. I AM NOT. This is a big source of contention with us. Probably the hardest thing we've had to try to work together on. More on that later. I just love my little boy so much......

My friend, Rian, had her baby boy!!!!! His name is Malachi "Kai" Ellington, and he is adorable. He was born November 17. I got to see him come into this world and it was amazing. Rian did great. I already can't wait for him and Benjamin to play together!

That's about it for now. Thanks for those who wrote to check up on me. I'm still in a bit of a funk, but working through it.

Sweet Avery and Tough Day

A little over a week ago we had a good friend pass away. When I was letting Avery know that she would be taken to a friend's house while mommy and daddy left, she asked where we were going. I told her we were going to say good-bye to Jamie. Here's the conversation:

Avery: "Is Jamie still sick?"
Mom: "No, Jamie isn't sick anymore."
Avery: "Where's Jamie?"
Mom: "Jamie is heaven. Do you know who he gets to be with?"
Avery: "Jesus."
Mom: "Yes."
Avery: "Is Jamie happy?"
Mom: "Yes, Jamie is very happy. Do you know why?"
Avery: "Why?"
Mom: "Because he gets to dance with Jesus, he's not sick anymore, and he gets to see your smiling face everyday now."
Avery: Big Grin!

Oh, it was such a sweet moment.

Today: One big YUCK. We're out of town visiting family. I don't know if I was just over emotional today or if the kids really were tearing at my last nerve. Then we went to my niece's birthday party. It was at Little Gym. I did my usual letting the gym people know about Ian so they wouldn't think he was a 'bad' boy. He did okay in the beginning. Then he just couldn't handle the excitement anymore, so we left with him and had family bring home Avery. I cried the whole car ride and pretty much the rest of today. I just want him to be able to be a part of things in a 'normal' way. Jim made the point that he DID have a good time. That helped a little, but I guess not enough.

I try really hard not to cry in front of my family, particularly my mom, when we're back home visiting because I don't want them to worry. Sounds fake, I know. But they worry so much anyway, I hate to give them anymore reason to. I blew that today. Couldn't hide it. Maybe it's pride? Maybe I just want them to think I really can handle our life perfectly. Ha Ha

Anyway, it's time for bed now and tomorrow is a new day. I will get up like a do everyday and ask Christ to give me strength for another day. He is sufficient....even when I cry.

Why Am I Crying?

Okay, moms....it's about 1:00am and I can't stop crying. I got on the FRAXA site to see if I could find a particular Quarterly issue (which I didn't), and there was a You Tube video. I guess after watching it, I realized how alone I really feel in all this. The funny part is, I'm not. But I still feel that way. To see those kids on there so much like Ian...to hear the stories from the parents (particularly about goof-ball pediatricians who kept saying "don't worry about it, he'll catch up" UGH!)...etc. Just tonight, trying to brush his teeth, I wondered if this would ever get better. Well, then they showed an older boy who's dad still had to brush his teeth, and he still didn't like it. A mom who still drives by kids' ball games with sadness....

I need to regroup! I just want to go in and hug and kiss all over my kids! Of course, if I do at this hour, there'll be absolutely no chance of sleep for me.

Dad is away for the night with men from our church, doing 'guy things'. I'm so glad he decided to go. I only wish it was more than just overnight. He starts teaching summer school Monday and he's not looking forward to it. But, better some time than no time. He's such a great husband and dad.

On a better note, we painted Avery's room. It's a light, light purple (like lilac'ish). It looks great with her new furniture. It still didn't do the trick of getting her to want to sleep in her room....the dogs are still there on the other side of the fence and she knows it. She reminded me tonight that she didn't like our neighbor's dogs. But, she's working on it. Jim stopped sleeping on her floor about a week ago. The dog sleeps in there now (partially against his will). The great news is she went to bed tonight very easily. No tears, no manipulation tricks. I think we finally might be getting somewhere!

Ben is standing up against anything he can now. I can tell he really wants to let go and take off, but his little body just can't do it quite yet. One thing I'm excited about is that when Ian was 14 months, he didn't really seem to even have the desire to walk. I think Benajmin watches his brother and sister and wants to join in all the reindeer games!

Gotta go before it's time for the kids to get up. And yes, I did stop crying.