Well, I went to Ian's first field trip of the year. Ian had a great time. Mom had a difficult time. I was in tears before we left and almost left early. I felt like an idiot having the teachers try to console me. Will I ever get past all this? Okay, here's what happened.
First, it's so hard on my heart when I see the kids have difficulty with Ian. They tell the teacher every time he even touches them (and I caught one that told when Ian never even touched him). And when Ian gets a little (okay, a lot) loud, I can see some annoyance in their faces. Okay, now let me give the real story. I am WAY hyper-sensitive to all of it. Truth is, the kids weren't really that bad. But to me, that's what I see.
Second, I felt it was best if Ian didn't ride this wagon pulling tractor thing. No adults could go on it, and if Ian had an inkling to stand up, he could have easily fallen out of the moving vehicle. The risk wasn't worth it to me. Did Ian care? NO! He happily waved bye to the other kids. Me, however.....I hated it. I hated that I even had to think about any risks. I teared up a bit at this point, but managed to suck it up because they were going on a hayride right after (adults allowed).
Third, while the kids were on this ride, we thought Ian had a poopy. Due to a miscommunication, the school did not bring the pull-ups I packed in his backpack (the same backpack his sack lunch was packed in). Luckily, I had one in the van. The walk to the van was a nightmare. I couldn't get Ian to understand that he wasn't leaving, but we had to change him. He screamed, he got angry, and he plopped himself down several times. We get to the van, I took his pull-up off....it wasn't even dirty!!!! He must have just had gas. Now this meant: 1) no more pull-ups left cause I had to put the extra one on him after I ripped off the one he had on; 2) I put him through all that for no reason. I felt horrible. Now in hindsight, he was probably trying to tell me he wasn't dirty.
Fourth, because of that whole episode, Ian missed the actual hayride! Again, he didn't care. I don't think he even knew. But I did. So, as we stood there waiting for them to return, I choked back my tears and decided it was probably best for me to leave (I met the school bus there). When I tried to tell his teacher and the aides......the river flooded. I couldn't open my mouth without crying. I'm sure they thought I was a crazed parent. I told them Ian was doing great, but that my heart just couldn't handle it. They were so sweet, and I see the concern on their faces. Long story short, they talked me into staying. I'm glad I did. Ian really did do a great job and had great fun, and the other kids really did do great with him.
I just want to feel like a normal parent sometimes, instead of always worrying or getting upset over the 'missed' things, especially when it never seems to upset him. Argh!
4 comments:
First of all, I don't think it's a bad thing to let the teachers see how hard you try to keep him involved and how hurt you are when it doesn't work out. They will remember that and try hard themselves to keep him involved and happy. Second, I'm tearing up a little just reading this because I had a similar experience this week, bringing my boys to a Harvest Party at their sister's school. I stupidly had expectations of how great they were going to be, and of course it was a nightmare. I managed somehow not to cry until I got to the car. Sigh.....I feel for you. It's so important to do the outings, yet so hard. It's easier to just keep them at home where they are happy! I hate to say it, but maybe having low expectations is the key.
I can't even comment on the part about how the other kids treat Ian and how they go running to tell when he touches them. We have that same problem and it shatters me.
Hugs.
I just try to be happy when they are happy...you are not alone in this.
You will be glad for the happy parts of this day in your memory. Focus on his moments of joy, that's what we need to do as parents...it's hard, but it's what sometimes gets me through.
Oh my.. big, big, BIG hugs to you. :) Sounds like Ian has great teachers.
I had to go on the field trips at preschool because they didn't have enough adults to supervise my three. I struggled just like you...so hard and stressful. Then I was asked to go to the first kindergarten one...a pumpkin patch and hayride. It was a nightmare. ha. I never went on another one. I think it was better that way...less stress all the way around.
Haven't been here in a while...it's nice to catch up with you! :)
Hi again! I've missed reading about your family...my fault of course, because I rarely go to my blog (I guess that's kind of obvious).
It's just so incredible how a "fun" event can be a major production. And it's heartbreaking. :(
I think that's why I have so many fine lines around my eyes (WRINKLES), lol...the stress of holding back the tears, and then the flood of tears, too many times.
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