New Attempt

Okay, I've been out of the loop for a long time now. Thanks to encouragement from my friend Kathie, I'm ready to start making time for this again. So much going on. Bummer is, with such an open blog, I don't feel safe to post some of it. So, those thoughts and feelings stay to myself...and privied friends.

So, I went scrapbooking this past weekend to the same place I blogged about back several months ago. My friend, Jill, did a wonderful job organizing it, as usual. This group of women was competely different from the usual twice a year crew. Both are unique and fun and great in their own ways. This happened to be a group of 10 others, most of whom I knew the names, but didn't know personally, or barely knew. They happened to be a group I've highly admired for their servant hearts and uncompromising godly characters. So, I felt a bit intimidated going in. Everyone, including myself, was so incredibly blessed by the time we spent with each other. Lots of fun, fellowship, meaningful conversation and just plain silliness. Did I get much done? Ummm, no, but that's okay. I'll be going again in April. Maybe I'll catch up then.

Next thing: My niece (the 20 year old that got married last year and was diagnosed as a carrier) just had her baby this morning at 12:20am. She had a baby girl and named her Adelin Sage (not sure how to spell either). I can't wait to see her.

Next: Ian's program coordinator asked Jim today if we thought we might want to keep Ian in kindergarten another year. AMEN! That's exactly what we were going to ask for.

Next: Our family is transitioning to a new church that has (so far from what we've seen) an incredible special needs program called Special by Design. Although we adore our previous church, we have noticed that we have been so 'overwhelmed' by life that other than attending church on Sundays, we have not sought out ways to serve or fellowship. Even with our homegroup, we started alternating each week between the 2 of us because it gets hard on the kids. So, we heard about the caring SN support at this church, decided to attend, and are now looking for ways to serve to see if the Lord leads us to stay.

I think if I don't end now, this might end up being way to long for my jump back in. So ta-ta for now.

Can I Start Today Over?

GRUMPY!!!!

ARG! I was supposed to be blogging on how happy I am because today is our 10 year anniversary. But nooooo, yuck had to get in the way. Instead I am super emotional (not even on my period). Jim and I got into a conversation about the schools and children, particularly the 'not typical' children. I really tried to keep my cool, but I blew it. So, you guys get to read it....remember, all raw unprocessed emotions.

So, I try to explain and bear my heart about how I feel about things like Ian getting pulled out of his class and put into a different class, about not really knowing what's going on this year, blah, blah, blah. I'm not doggin' the school. They have been very kind to us, and I feel very confident and fortunate, overall, about the care and attention Ian gets there. BUT, I also have a lot of fear. And when it hits, it hits. When I try to explain how I'm feeling to Jim, mostly I get how I need to understand how strapped the school is when it comes to our type of kids. No real programs for them, parents sueing, not enough funds for aides, etc. Well, that's all find and dandy, but what I really want to hear is, "Honey I know this is hard for you, I'm with you, and we'll do all we can for our children. Hang in there. " You know, something encouraging for ME (yep, all about me at this point). I just feel like he doesn't hear my heart. Like all his concern lies with the school. I DO know how difficult it is. I was a classroom teacher and I did have SN in my class. If anything, how would HE know! He does resource in-class support and pull-outs. He doesn't even have his own classroom full of kids all day.

So, I accused him of 'siding' with the teachers/principal and told him I would appreciate support for me because I'm sure not going to get it from anyone else. He's supposed to be there for me and the children. I'm not asking him to go out and start demanding things. I don't work that way. I'm asking him to say what I need to hear when my heart is scared and hurting. The only thing I could compare it to to help him understand (cause he still says things that lead me to believe he's not TRULY understanding what I'm trying to tell him) is a family situation. I asked him, "Okay, so what if everytime you struggled with the family member and felt beaten down, I decided to take their side and tell you that you need to understand what they're going through (which in this case would be a ridiculous statement). Would that make you feel like I was YOUR cheerleader and that I truly understood your heart? NO!"

I know he doesn't really know what to do with me when I get like this. So, I've pretty much vowed to keep it a blog thing and stop trying to get him to understand. This is just one of those times I feel completely alone. Like I'm the only one pushing to help Ian (which is not true). I just see sooooo much potential and I don't feel like he sees the same potential. Is that the hardness of the teacher these days?

I'm finding it hard to stop crying this morning. I hate to say things like, "This is my life, I have to deal with it." It is my life, but I fully expect to enjoy it and thank God for it. I was never promised an easy life and I'm okay with that. But sometimes I have a really hard time 'doing' the hard life. And I don't even have it as bad as some people I know. But I try not to compare lives. That's not what God intends for me to do. He wants me to do the life He's given me.

Okay, I think I'm done. I'm going to go spend some time with the One who really knows the details of my heart. I'm glad we're all walking this together. You help me not feel so alone. Once things process and I get to talk to Jim again (I've already emailed him to tell him I love him and I'm sorry), I'm sure I'll be put back together.

By the way, did I mention today is our 10 year anniversary!?

The Things of Life

I'm sitting here listening to my children fight. Avery yelling at Ian for saying 'bad'. Ian saying it all the more because Avery is screaming at him. It gets funny after a while. But right now, it's just kinda tiring. I'm in one of those spots.

A very special friend of mine and her sweet family are moving away in a couple of weeks. I understand why the need for it, but it doesn't make it any easier on my heart. A lot more goes into it for me, but I won't go into that. I will miss her so very much, and miss watching all the milestones of their bathed in love little boy. I don't doubt that we'll keep in touch.

Side note: Avery just screamed so loud my eardrums about popped! Can't handle that at all. Silence now, as I sent her to her room. All is good. :)

We have friends who are struggling with their marriage, and it makes me so sad. I'm glad that they feel comfortable talking to us. I just feel helpless and hope that God, who instituted marriage, will restore this sweet couple's marriage. I know they're wanting the same thing.

Family stuff is about to drive me nuts. I've no doubt a lot of you could relate if I went into the whole story. But you know how it is....never know who's reading. Let's just say all is about to blow within me if the nonsense keeps up, especially if there's anymore of it during another 'time of the month' for me. Hold me back, sista!!!! I just don't get it, and truth is, I don't wanna get it. I just want people to start acting like adults, take responsibility, stop enabling, and take responsibility for crap that comes out of the mouth. Is that too much to ask? Okay, better stop there. You get the picture. After all, I am perfect, ya know. Ha Ha Ha. Kidding, I fully realize the majority of my many faults. Maybe one day I'll blog about those. Naaaaah!

Side note: Ian is loving on me as he asks for about a million different videos and laughing after he says each one. Silly boy!

Side side note: Benjamin is ripping all the books off the book shelf. ALL the books he can reach.

This all reminds me of a country song I've heard a couple of times. I think it may be called "Sounds Like Life" or something like that. It's this guy who's talking to a friend of his who is struggling with a bunch of things (little work, can't pay bills, fridge went out, wife's pregnant, etc.). Anyway, basically this guy listening is noticing that it's all the things life is really made of. The everyday things and struggles. So in the chorus, he says something like, "may not be whatcha wanna hear, but sounds like life to me." So true. Not that we're happy in them, but it's true. We've never been promised a life of no struggles. But we have been promised a Savior who knows and knows the end of the story as well. I can still hurt and cry and get angry, but in the end, hope is the answer. Life is really fleeting. While we don't ignore the 'struggles' and 'everyday things', let's never never never let those overshadow the many wonderful things of life! Whoa! Where'd all that come from?!

Side and end note: I just heard Ian say, "oooh, Ben pee'd". Benjamin took his diaper off and pee'd on the furniture!!!! We don't have a dog for just that reason! Here's where ya gotta laugh.....the things of life!

Gotta go clean up a mess so I can get us packed to go out of town in a few hours. Thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll be okay in a few hours.....or days. :)

Know What I Wish?

I was thinking the other day about how I wish that I could meet all of you! How great it would be for us all to be able to meet in one place (I'd opt for anyone living in Australia).

I got a call the other day from someone who's son was recently diagnosed with Fragile X. She got my name through a friend of hers who knows my sister, and therefore knows about my situation. As I talked to her, I found myself wanting to just talk and talk and talk. I'm not sure I was even much help to her, but it all reminded me of when we got our first news. All the emotions, uncertainties, questions, etc. I told her one of the most important things to me was getting in touch with others who were going through the same thing. That's how I got questions answered, resources, and just knowing that the feelings I was feeling were okay and normal. I felt like I truly ached for her. I found myself praying for her marriage and family, knowing what a toll it can take on couples.

Anyhoo, then I started wishing this wish....especially as I got responses from those of you I requested information from via email. I've loved having you all rejoice with me in the little things and feel compassion for me in the not-so-good things. And I've loved feeling a part of each of your lives as well. So, thank you! And who knows, maybe one day........